Yes, you read it correctly.
I have always thought that if I were to alter my body surgically, I will undergo liposuction and I will also remove my lowest ribs so that I could look like Shakira, Beyonce or Kim Kardashian. Surprisingly, some of my experiences in 2017 have shifted my attention up to my nose hence my decision to have a nose job.
The procedure for a nose job requires the surgeon to change the shape of my nose by modifying the bone or cartilage. The surgery includes the following steps:
Step 1: Anesthesia to give me comfort during the surgical procedure.
Step 2: The Incision which will be made across my columella (the narrow strip of tissue that separates my nostrils). The skin will be gently raised to allow access for reshaping the structure of my nose.
Please stay with me.
Step 3: Reshaping my nose by taking a cartilage from my ear (they are too big anyway) or a section from my rib cartilage ( Doctor please just remove my lowest ribs) to enlarge my nose.
Step 4: Correcting a deviated septum. ( Please doctor, that’s not what I want. My septum is straight. Thank you).
Step 5 and 6: Closing the incision and the healing process begins.
You may be wondering, what on earth is wrong with this girl. Has she gone crazy? As my friend Josephine will put it ”e be like sey skors-skors don enter your head”.
Well, for your information, I am crazy, I have been crazy for a very long time. I just haven’t been crazy enough to admit it.
I don’t just want the normal procedure of a nose job. I want to invest in the latest nano technology from Takeshi Robotics in Japan. They have developed a sensor that can be embedded in your nostrils. This sensor not only helps you breathe cleaner air (global warming problems solved) but also helps you to smell from a thousand miles away all the bullshit life throws at you through friends, clients and neighbors etc.
My reasons for wanting this nose job desperately are not far fetched. Firstly, I want to be able to smell tricky, devious, pretentious, deceitful, backstabbing and manipulative prospective friends so that I can avoid them before we ever say hello. This will help me contribute to world peace (LOL). This 2018, I want good people around me as friends.
Secondly, any client that is going to give me headache and make me raise my voice unnecessarily this year, I want to smell their bullshit and set them aside (bad market). In 2017, I encountered different shades of clients. The ones that tricked me into giving them free services. The ones that don’t know what they want before engaging me to work for them (today you pay me money to work, tomorrow you want it back). I had a client who did that to me two times when I had already started the job. I was able to handle the client like a pro and I will be happy not to give my service to such a client this 2018.
Thirdly, I want to be able to smell the bullshit my neighbors throw at me hiding under the cloak of niceness and care (hold your ”famzing” far away please). Life is not a competition with some of us. I am truly happy when you attain higher positions. I want the same from you or you stay far away from me. Keep your good mornings to yourself. I want neighbors like Dharmy.
Fourthly, as regards relationships, I am in a good place right now. I only wish that I had the nose job done years back. It could have spared me from kissing some lying, manipulative and two-timing frogs who took me for granted ( Yes, I’m so amazing. Argue with yourself).
Lastly, I want to be able to smell my own bullshit before I utter them as words or actions. Yes, I want to be a better sister, girlfriend, friend, neighbor, aunt and wife-to-be (*winks*). If I gave you bullshit in 2017, I am deeply sorry. I promise that after my surgery this 2018, I will be a better person.
P.S. :- Those of you that have seen me know that I have a small nose. Don’t get it twisted, I love my nose the way it is. I’m not letting any surgical blade near my nose. I just want to be better this 2018 and I want you to be better friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, clients and neighbors.