HOW I SLAPPED A MILITARY MAN AND GOT AWAY WITH IT.

The torment had begun to stir within me once again. I tried so hard not to cave. At last, my spirit broke and I gave up. I heeded the call of adventure. This was a risky adventure I was going to embark on. It was as if I was cursed never to remain in one place for too long. Whenever I am home my legs itch until I go out. When I’m out, I get tired and yearn for my home. This time around, the adventure my heart sought was far from home.

I had always wanted to volunteer for any cause. So, I signed up to volunteer without pay for one week at an internally displaced persons (IDP) camp in Maiduguri, Borno State. Within this One week, I would make a trip with a group of displaced people back to their village where they would settled. The village was close to Sambisa forest. The truth is I was not afraid even for a moment. (Augie the courageous, Augie the badass).

My family and friends thought I had a deathwish. I stopped taking phone calls from my family members. My boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I continued with the crazy idea. My mother reported me to my father and our parish priest. She even threatened my relations in the village to release my from whatever they were using to remote me to my death or else. My father was furious that I was disobeying his order not to go to Maiduguri. My brothers said they knew now that I had finally gone mad. My younger sister cried everyday. My older sister was the interesting one amongst them. She told me to write my will and make her the sole beneficiary to all the valuable things I owned. (Just leave her matter).

Anyway, I have always admired women in uniform since the day I watched G.I. Jane. Women in uniform does not include police, civil defence, peace corp etc. I’m referring to women in the military. The only reason I haven’t enrolled in the military is because I don’t take orders. I know for sure that I will always be locked up in the guard room. 

On the day I slapped the officer, we were getting ready to embark on the trip to re-settle the displaced villagers. This officer was to accompany our bus. He kept on yelling at everyone in the bus as if we were the boko haram insurgents. At some point, he even cocked his rifle. I knew what I signed up for but I was not going to let this deranged soldier suffering from traumatic stress disorder ruin my day. So, I walked up to him and asked him why he was ranting and making threats like a mad man. He took off his sunglasses revealing his blood shot eyes. He shouted at me to get back to my seat or else he would beat me to a pulp. Before he could utter the next word, I struck him hard across his right cheek. He was shocked as he didn’t see that coming. He screamed and it sounded like a war cry. I wasn’t shaken by all that afterall, my grandfather was a military man. I gave him another hard slap to shut him up. Everybody in the bus was shouting in hausa “kuna da nama marar rai. Ka fi kyau gudu don rayuwaka” (You are dead meat. You betterrun for your life).

At this point, I woke up in a pool of my sweat. If you are reading this, I’m still treating acute malaria at Garki Hospital, Abuja. (What were you expecting? That I truly slapped a military man and lived to tell it).

P.S. Respect the Military. They sacrifice their lives everyday to keep us safe. Donate to a charity that supports their welfare in their fight against boko haram. The next time you see a military personnel, walk up to him or her and say thank you for protecting us. #NIGERIAN HEROES 

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