I haven’t been able to sleep well in the past one month. I have headaches from thinking too much. My eyes bags swell from lack of sufficient sleep. The cauldron of my sleeplessness consists of calculations to pay my rent, to repay my debts, to put food on my table, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet and still have some money for other miscellaneous activities. The most worrisome of all is finding a balance in my love life. These are basic worries I guess but the truth about me is that I worry too much. I have had a few friends who are patient with me and calm me down when I panic not because they don’t have worries too but because God has blessed them with a kind and patient mind to encourage me. I have had a few friends who rather find my worries irritating and spew harsh words in my face and behind my back. There isn’t much I can do about it but be more positive and listen to good counsel. These are basic worries I guess but that’s just the truth about me.
Recently, I have had cause to reflect on how I treat people around me and to tell you the truth I used to think I was the nicest person around (okay, maybe not 😂) but I have a mean streak that gets out of hand. I can spew harsh words and no one has ever been spared from it when I’m caught up in anger. What usually would upset every other person wouldn’t bug me a bit but what seems most trivial can set me off for days. I wonder why that is. I am not proud of this side of me and I am making conscious efforts to be more conscious of what I say but that’s just the truth about me.
When it “came” to relationships, I was your regular average mumu Nigerian girl in love. I believed hook-line-and-sinker every word that came out of my man’s mouth. The reason was that if I didn’t believe him, I won’t be able to trust him. Oh how wrong I was. I have been deceived, abused and demoralized in different ways and manner because I was a growing yet naive woman who loved and trusted the wrong men always. So, I loved another again and I tried to do things differently, I trusted but I left room for disappointment. I refused to be quiet like that naive girl so I yelled back and spit fire. At the same time still trying hard to profess my undying love. Somehow, I over did it. I realized that I had been suppressing a lot of anger and disappointment all in the name of staying strong and moving forward. I never had time to vent. I cannot truly love anyone if I don’t admit this part of me and address it properly. This again is just the truth about me.
I often think about myself as an ambivert. Sometimes, all I want to do is attend all the social events in town, walk the red carpet, go clubbing with friends and embark on a trip like a weekend get away. Other times, I just want to be indoors, alone, in a dark room, floating in my thoughts or watching a movie etc. I don’t want to even speak to anyone and even if you are talking to me, I wouldn’t pay attention. I just want to be left alone. My face will be in a frown if you saw me. Truth is nothing is wrong with me. I just want that peace and serenity and when I don’t get that I become grumpy or easily agitated. I apologise to anyone who has been a victim of my backlash when I’m in this mood. Yet again, that’s just the truth about me.
When it comes to food, I am the most annoying person you don’t want around you. I am very picky. My mother usedto wonder where I got that from because all my siblings eat any and everything she cooked. There are many things I don’t like to eat. I don’t like to eat liver, heart, towel (shaki), gizzard, intestine, kidney, balls and head of any animal unless the meaty parts 🙄. I also don’t like to eat porridge made with Acha (gwote), white soup (ofe nsala), oha, beans soup (gbegiri) etc. There was a time I didn’t eat salad 😂. Just call me Petina. I heard all the nutritional benefits of all these things but I still wouldn’t eat them. Anyway, things have changed and in a bid to be a more reformed woman, I have decided to keep a more open mind and tastebuds to food. And again, that’s just the truth about me.
I have more to tell…but in my next post.