I am not an expert on relationships. I am only writing from experience and from the opinion of experts. I have been reading a lot of self help books as part of my evolution process. I hope this helps someone reading this.
Truth be told, in every relationship, no matter how great it is, there will be the occasional argument. It’s inevitable.
But, too often, when we get angry with our partner, we get resentful and we crack the whip.
We constantly beat them over the head with what they are doing wrong. We say things like, “You NEVER make me a priority…” or “You ALWAYS choose your friends over me…” (I’m guilty of this)
The problem with this approach is then they end up resenting us, because they think, “well, I can never do anything right, and you don’t believe in me, and you don’t think that I’m something special,” and they don’t want to do well for you.
The key in any relationship is for the other person to want to do good things for you.
To want to be a good partner, to want to be a good friend, that’s the key.
You don’t want them doing it just because you’re watching or just because you nagged them today.
You want it to be this pattern of them wanting to do good by you.
If you can show that you are a fan of your partner first, and then show your frustrations, they’re going to be on your side in a completely different way…
For example, if you say, “you know how much I love you, I care about you so much and I think the world of you, but I’m so frustrated right now because our relationship keeps having this problem.
“I don’t want it to have that problem, because I know how great we can be, and I know how amazing you are, but I’m not getting that side of you and I don’t know how long I can go with not having that side of you.”
You can compare that with, “if you keep doing this, I’m leaving, because I’m sick of this crap from you.”
When you go down that route you don’t inspire him/her to be better.
Show that you are a fan first, and then show your frustrations.
Now you might be reading this and thinking, “why do I have to show him/her I’m a fan when he’s/ she’s doing something I don’t like?”
Well if you’re not a fan then why are you with him/her?
If truly you are not a fan anymore, don’t have him/ her as your partner anymore. But if you are still in it, and you’re still sharing a bed with him/her (occasionally), then you’ve got to still love him/her.
You’ve still got to be on his/her side, and value his/ her progress and his/her growth. That’s what’s going to get him/her to want to help you and want to be a better person for you.
You might say this is not realistic but trust me when I say that I know how it feels when you finally open up to your partner about how you feel and they don’t jus get and you regret almost immediately why you even talked about it. People are not easy to deal with but making a little readjustments on our manner of approach is progress.
And that’s the recipe for a healthy, harmonious relationship. (I think so!)
P.S. Let me know if it works for you.